Let's face it, I enjoy writing this badboy, but hell, it takes time and memory. Both, unfortunately, seem to be at a deficit the last few weeks. Especially the last week. Why, pray-tell? Because I am now a full week into this thing-y. YES, oh, yes, only 3 glorious days left until I am done. But, first a word from our writer. My sincere apologies, ladies and gentleman, for the spelling and grammatical errors of the last post...I can only blame:
1) my lack of "real" food and big-girl beverage
2) my laziness
3) a deep scarring that appeared back in the 5th grade
What happened? Glad you asked. I am quite famous, you see. Winning the honor of school spelling bee champion of Helen Keller Elementary in 5th grade beating out Michelle Vanberg with the "commonly" used word ballistic. (Vanberg is MIA, btw, for our 20 year reunion -- another thing I have been spending time on the last several months, so, if you are reading this and know where she is -- let me know. Thanks.) The unfortunate thing comes next. I spelled my own name (gulp, yes, you read that correctly) WRONG in the practice round at the district bee. It was a big stage. A few people. Embarrassing as hell. Scarred for life. Perhaps the reason for my blog misgivings of the past. Who am I kidding? This is a blog, not a set of value propositions for a client -- carry on.
Back to the subject at hand - food, why I hate it and the realities of this cleanse. You ready for a big dose of the stuff? Well buckle up. Going to be a bumpy ride.
When last we left you, it was day 4 and I was preparing to do my 2nd Zumba of the day. A special Cinco de Mayo edition with the lovely ladies of the Ridge. 75 min of pure, kick your ass and sweat like a pig fun. All followed by Margaritas and chips/salsa compliments of Ridge Fitness. And, of course, I can't have any.of.it. Boo. But, I went and killed 1400 calories Kelly Saunders style. So, day 4 ended up a 2400 calorie burn day. Holy crap. However, problem with the calorie burn was this days eating plan ala Advocare. First, if you can't recall, it was raining on Thursday night. Yes, I know, shocker, raining in Seattle. But, this was realllll rain. If you live here (or have lived here) you know exactly what I am talking about. As I stood in class, shaking my booty like nobody's business all I could think about was the grilled chicken breast with fresh marinara that I was going to enjoy as a reward. But, guess what happened? Hard rain, no grilling. LK's rule. I.am.in.trouble. Unfortunately, day 4 ended on a sketchy note - barely 800 cals eaten and way too much working-out. Felt blah. And, learned something. They recommend if you workout hard, eat an extra meal. Or perhaps take a break for the 10 days. This program, IMHO, is not necessarily for the hard-core workout addict or athlete (sorry Drew Brews) as the caloric intake is fairly low. Or, maybe I am crazy which could totally be the case. Unfortunately, the hungry and over-work caused me to have a crap-night sleep. So, day 5 is going to be tough. Now, onto the next several days.
Day 5: Ah, Friday. Usually my favorite - celebrate the week with some good food and a cocktail (or three) day. "Uh, uh, uh," she said shaking her finger. Not this Friday - it is LK's bday, so celebrating at El Gaucho should be an interesting experience. (NOTE: when you do one of these things, surround yourself with good, supportive people. Not people that think this stuff is a bunch of hooey. For the most part, this has been my experience, however not this night - would you believe that one of the dinner guests actually opened the cheese bread basket, which I love, and blew the smell in my face. Found myself SHOUTING, not saying, douchebag. Oops - sometimes the truth hurts.) Thank God that my partner in crime in this thing was there to keep me focused and on the program. Overall, this day was pretty good. Confirmed that when you are tired and you can't have things like coffee or soda or red-bull, guess what. The gym does work. So much for a day off. pfft. I needed that energy, damnit. High point of this day, I wore a dress to dinner that I haven't been able to put on since 2004. BOOYAH!
Day 6: The second toughest day of this weekend. Cinco de Mayo. Mexican is my fav. And, if I have craved anything during this cleanse, it is tortilla chips. But, down 8 pounds now and some inches (not sure how many as I was a bumblehead and didn't measure....grrr) which feels great. My energy level is ridiculous, and besides the cravings for some of the carby-crappy foods I love to eat, all good. But, I am not going to BS you. I am hungry on this thing. Probably because I don't follow the program as closely in terms of the number of meals that I should be eating. I can't eat every 3 hours. I have tried. I am too busy and it just frustrates me. Plus, kind-of bored at this point with the choices. However, here's a yummy tip from my personal Cinco de Mayo feast: Cook brown rice in organic chicken broth. Keep in mind, the real stuff takes about an hour, so plan ahead. Once the rice is done, stir in some fresh pico and voila, a (sort-of) mexican rice. Super yummy & the highlight of my eating day. Overall, feeling good. No bloat, no headaches, and leaner. But, again, hungry.
Day 7: Sunday. Funday. Legs Day. Barf Day. A day of getting stuff done and staying focused on getting through this cleanse. I cannot believe that I have nearly made it through the weekend. Not going to lie, it has taken some serious focus. I can hear some of my friends that do these often saying "what the hell is she talking about - it's only 10 days" BS. This was hard for me. Super hard. F-U-N. Last evening of the horsey pills and back to the fiber, tastes like a dirty a-hole tomorrow for the last 3 days, oh joy. We will do this. Hell, we are doing this. And, for those that are keeping score, still haven't tried on "the pants". Not sure when that event might take place.
Day 8: WOOHOO, get-up, get sparked, get fiber'd. Oh, shite. Literally. Well, hopefully. For those of you that think this thing is going to be a continual poo your pants style cleanse, think again. I have been waiting for the "shit-break" American Pie style poo that has never come. After all, it was the great Ron White that said "I am one large shit away from a new wardrobe". Sorry to be graphic, but most believe that a cleanse is all about the poo. In case you missed it, the fiber drink looks, and tastes like a colon. Was I wrong? Nope. But, heck, I will take it. Worth the 10lbs I am down this morning. Laser focused on getting to the end of this thing. Couple more days - piece of cake. (almost ;-)) Actually, going to try and do the clean thing when I am done. Going to continue on the original DPS program, but more focused on what is comprising my cals daily. Should be interesting. Oh, and then there's cocktails. That's all for now. I am sure you are so bored at this point, you have eaten your arm off. More later. Cheers to great health! xoxo - HK
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